A VERY PERSONAL BIOGRAPHY

There’s a dirty young man of any age at your work place lusting after all the sweet young ladies.  Do you (A) tell his wife, (B) kill him, (C) retroactively abort his mother, (D) read a book by George Hayduke?
    According to reviewer after journalist after critic, the obvious answer is (D)…CALL FOR GEORGE HAYDUKE, the merchant of menace; the man Ted Koppel refused to allow on TV, and, according to THE NATIONAL ENQUIRER, “the meanest, funniest man in America.”
    The master of creative revenge for the little people who are victims of the rich and powerful, George Hayduke writes with a devilishly humorous mind, offering creative ways to get even with computers, ex-sweeties, bosses, neighbors, co-workers, stores, governments, politicians, landlords, bureaucratic snoops, insurance companies, banks, even the dreaded IRS.  He is literally the blivet of humorous, vengeful literati. 
    George’s crusade for hilarity and justice began when he was a scholastic football star and a fanatically patriotic assistant coach reported him to the House of UnAmerican Activities Committee for scratching his ass during someone’s  National Anthem.  That forged the beginnings of George’s fine-tuned attitude and well deserved reputation.
    George sees his books as devastating metaphorical slingshots by which the frail Davids of this world can slam back at insufferable Goliaths. 
    For example, he donated obscene books to a children’s library in his enemy’s name.  He got a coal stripping outfit in major trouble with a couple of telephone calls.  He terminally shut down institutional computers, humiliated deserving ex-sweeties, and put lazy and evil bureaucrats out on their asses, all in the name of poetic justice. 
    He helps underdog victims of the powerful elite who run our corporations, institutions, media and governments.  Asked if his enemies ever tried to retaliate, George flashes a boyish grin and says, “I don’t have enemies…anymore.”
    George Hayduke’s attitude would mortify Miss Manners.  Yet, his humor is aimed at the jerks and bullies who go out of their way to mess up your life while challenging you to do something about it, knowing there is little that you will do…until George Hayduke’s books came along mere eons ago. 
    Introduced to the world by the late Edward Abbey in his classic novel of ecotage, THE MONKEY WRENCH GANG, then reprised in HAYDUKE LIVES, George decided to become his own author in 1980, with his now classic GET EVEN, a best-selling, humorous paean of payback.
    Like Neal Cassady, Dean Moriarty, and Jack Kerouac, George Hayduke is a willing accomplice to the identity of confusion caused by literary fiction and reality.  Cactus Ed Abbey’s George Hayduke was a fictional composite of several real folks.  Amazed at meeting this very real Hayduke, people sputter, “My God, George, you’re really real.”
    Sliding into very senior citizenhood, George Hayduke describes himself as “height-impaired and burly, with the beer ‘n food-fed overhang of a hardcore carnivore.” He was born 80-plus years ago, small town middle class in the eastern U.S. and did the standard youthful stuff of  his era, i.e., high school sports, class clown, parties and fun part-time jobs. 
    Since then, George has worked as a night watchman, civilian demolition technician, heavy equipment operator, store detective, private investigator, charter pilot, commercial photographer, ordained minister, gunrunner, pornographer, political speech writer, and is a US Army veteran.
    As a believer in the traditional Golden Rule, George has tried to live his life that way in hopes that others might, too.  But, as Hemingway writes at the end of THE SUN ALSO RISES, “Wouldn’t it be pretty to think so?”
    George says, “America has become a total mad house.  Our precious Constitutional freedoms are being taken away by liberal  zealots, and our Bill of Rights is in serious jeopardy due to these fulltime, professional elected- thing sphincter muscles.  It’s time for the real folks to fight back.”
    He adds, “Yeah, it’s time to spill the tea and uncoil the rope!”
    Such radical anti-establishment talk, not to mention the threat that his humor books pose to our elite-ruled nation  has made George Hayduke a target of that 
governing order.  Twice, the Justice Department has tried to nail him in an illegal sting operation.  Two major media bosses have tried to have his books banned and one of them even tried to have George jailed. The socialist government of Canada has banned his books totally.
    Several networks and cable outlets have banned mention of his books and his publisher, the late Peder C. Lund of Paladin Press, reported  that many mainline media refused ads for George’s musings.
           Yet, as  an entertainment media topic, revenge is hardly new, as fans of Clint Eastwood, Charles Bronson, The Incredible Hulk and The Terminator all know.  In that genre, George comes from great literary lineage, i.e., remember Alexander Dumas’ Count of Monte Cristo and his masterful revenge against his jailers?  There is also the ANARCHIST’S COOKBOOK, THE HATER’S HANDBOOK, and, of course, the works of Abby Hoffman.  George was a good friend of Abby’s, by the way. 
    Although he taped a boffo, break ‘em up laughing segment for NIGHTLINE once, Ted Koppel personally canceled his appearance.  After being hyped and made ready for a guest appearance on LATE NIGHT, George’s humor unnerved prickly host Dave Letterman so much that he refused to allow George to appear. 
    “I just try to be the poor man’s court jester and funny trickster in the best humane sense of Dick Nixon and his merry men,” George says.
    George lists his personal heroes as Ethan Edwards, Capt Nathan Brittles, Freddy Sykes, W.C. Fields, Robert Jordan, Groucho Marx, Mose Harper, Harry S. Truman, Ronald Reagan and H. L. Mencken.
    He has been named Curmudgeon of the Year by the International Association of Tosspots, and in 1996, George was named Man of the Year by Swanson & Associates, an international research consortium.
    These days, George travels a great deal as an expeditor for the Ambrose Bierce Institute.  While his sense of propriety may be nothing more than a pebble on the beach of society’s corruption, at least George Hayduke stands out from the middling grains of sand. 

WHAT DO THE MEDIA ELITE SAY ABOUT GEORGE HAYDUKE?
    William Ruehlmann of the VIRGINIA PILOT called him “champion of the underdog and nemesis of the certified SOBs.”
    While newspaper reviewer Elena Jarvis called Haydukery “social anarchy to the nth degree,” she also compared its uproarious humor to the classic movie THE BLUES BROTHERS, adding that “anyone armed with Hayduke’s latest will come out ahead.”
    Author and editor James B. Adair says about Hayduke and his books, “His statement about entertainment purposes only is humorous since revenge itself is entertaining.  The man is funny…You may want to wash your hands after reading his book, but it is definitely food for thought.”
    Barry Young, reknown talk show host, says, “This man is a missionary to all of the world’s victims who need his helpful humor in these troubling times.”
    Author/commentator P.J. O’Rourke says with a rye smile, “The man is a friend of mine.  Considering where I’ve been that’s scary, even if he is funny.”
    Former NBC-TV foreign correspondent David Hazinski, now a reknown university professor,  who also knows George well, says, “He’s a cult hero with his gutsy anti-establishment, piss-off-the-grown-ups humor.  George’s hard stomping beer hall style shakes up the villains, but grabs a belly laugh from the armchair avenger in all of us.  George proves that it’s the thought that really counts.”
    The author, Susan Anderson, wrote of him, “When you meet this master trickster his honest joviality, the constant flow of one liners and witticisms and those twinkling blue eyes are but mild indicators of the hilariously nasty thoughts stored in that brain.”
    Journalist Jim Donnelly writes that “George Hayduke is a head-on crash between SOLDER OF FORTUNE and THE NATIONAL LAMPOON…This hilarious man will cause even the most prim soul to laugh. His books are always a hilariously obscene and crazed romp straight through society’s institutions and bullies.”
    Radio commentator Nesbitt Gaydosh says, “George Hayduke’s books could be a national etiquette manual for a population weaned on Watergate, sodomized by the Clintonites, then baptized by the Bushees and , gasp, praised by Donald Trump.  I dare you to read George Hayduke’s books, then I double dare you not to laugh.”
    Creative video genius Fred Malley calls George’s work “stunning…a literary flamethrower.  While I’m compelled to keep reading I wonder if my rotten neighbor got all the kitty shrapnel scraped off his front door.”
    Special Forces vet and former magazine editor Jim Shults says, “I know Hayduke personally, he’s good people.  He writes nasty books and I sleep with my copy under my pillow.”
    Journalist Bill McLaughlin called Hayduke “diabolical…perverse, with a twisted mind.  Heaven help us all.”
The fabled raconteur, Payden Spades, says George is “as freedom-loving as Jefferson, as anti-authoritarian as Paine, as suspicious as Menken or Bierce, as iconoclastic as Twain, as brave as Lindbergh or Hackworth, Plumley or Moore, yet as friendly as Will Rogers and as good a neighbor as Fred Rogers.  He has the honesty of Abe Lincoln and the enthusiasm as Teddy Roosevelt.  George Hayduke is an American hero.”
    Video guru Smedley Tonker says, “Hayduke’s zany anti-establishment humor hits hard, you laugh, then punches the targets right in their deserving gut with the force of a cannon-shot.”
AND WHAT DO REAL FOLKS THINK OF GEORGE HAYDUKE?
    Eugene Mitchell laughs and says “Put Up Your Haydukes.”
    “Hayduke’s vulgarity is garlic in the salad of good taste,” says Hannibel Lecter.
    In Cabo San Lucas, the philosopher Jack Beasley says, “George Hayduke is the paddlewheel of trouble in the lake of life.”
    “George is 14 feet tall, walks on water and has lightning flashing out of his ass,”  U.S. Army Special Forces liaison Mary Ann Barnes says of this old vet.
    “ Sergeant George Hayduke is tougher than a death fart pushed through a keg of nails,” says his old buddy, the Good Colonel.
    Big Foot says, “George, your professional reputation is such that a nuclear missile, totally terrified, would halt over a target city and refuse to detonate if it knew you were there.”
    “Hayduke’s books are an avalanche of wild, foul humor,” Dr. Chow Sow Jee notes.
    “You either run with the quarry or stalk with the hunter,” says Susan the Assassin.
    A fan calls his musings, “delightfully subversive, the latest word in do-it-yourself poetic justice for little guys against the world’s big bullies.”
    Attorney Neil Price said of George Hayduke, “Vengeance is the mouthwash of foaming dogs…and George is the master trainer.  He doesn’t just shock the conscience of bullies, he electrocutes them.”
    No less an artiste than the Conductor of the Mt. Lebanon Wind Symphony, Uncle Gerry Gasbag, honored our hero as “The national blivet of literati.”
    Former Major league baseball star, John Kruk, says of George, “Would you rather get shot 100 times with a BB-gun or once with a .357.  He (George Hayduke) can do it either way.”
GEORGE HAYDUKE HIMSELF ON HIMSELF
    I’ve thought of myself as the Dirty Harry of Literati. 
    I have always admired Thomas Jefferson’s  writings, so I serve up his idea that “resistance to tyrants is obedience to God” for all authoritarians and police state Gestapo to choke upon. 
    I really do believe in the Golden Rule.  Problem is, some scary things out there don’t.  So after turning all four cheeks, well, it’s time to Hayduke them. 
    I am not a bounty hunter,  a manhunter nor an avenging angel. Sometimes, though, I am a shitscraper.
    My books are for entertainment purposes only, to make people laugh, to offer Walter Mitty relief, Hey, I’m all t-shirt slogan and no action.  That is why I am a regular at American Legion Post 123, Sanibel, FL.
It’s all in fun.  Ninety nine percent of the readers are in on the joke.  They realize my books are a catharsis and are fictional humor.  The few who don’t get it are the media
elite, the ego-losers with myriad degree initials after their names, and, of course, the bullies themselves. 
    From my own mild disposition I could hardly expect anyone to make any of my suggestions operational.  To do that would be hypocritical and I’m no hypocrite.  Actually, I am a registered Libertarian and was a pitcher for my church league softball team. 
    Indeed, I have other books I would like to write soon, including THE FLANS OF BAJA DEL SUR; CARRY ON, CARRION and my autobiography, A TALKING BEACHBALL WITH ARMS.

SOME EXAMPLES FROM THE HAYDUKE HUMOR TROVE
•    Perhaps your mark is a dopey sort of jerk.  Next time he or she goes on an airline or bus trip, tell the police that the mark is a drug mule.
•    Advertise that your mark sells illegal guns, drugs, porn, etc. to sell to school kids on the internet.
•    At an appropriate time or location, bundle an American flag under the rear bumper of your mark’s car so that when the car drives away it’ll be towing Old Glory in the dirt. Don’t do this in DC, NYC or LA…they’d probably applaud.
•    Get some old books from a flea market.  Get some “From the Library of…” stickers printed to place inside the front cover of each book.  The sticker carries the mark’s name, address, telephone number. email address,  and promises a $20 reward for returning this lost book.  Locate the books all over town.
•    Place old nuts & bolts inside the hubcaps of your mark’s car.  S/he will think it’s falling apart.
•    Load silver nitrate (it’s harmless to skin) into the liquid soap dispenser of your least favorite public washroom.  It will turn a user’s hands brown for a little while.
•    Does your inhuman hemorrhoid of a mark really have hemorrhoids? Mix some Tabasco sauce in with his Preparation H.
•    File retirement papers (or divorce papers, or other legal papers) for your mark.

THAT’S OUR GEORGE.
    The Archbishop of the Lantern Chapel in Salmon, ID,  said of George Hayduke, “porcus ex grege diaboli.”  Hearing this, George wept tears of joy and appreciation.  
    George’s next appearance may  be at the Annual Swamp Cabbage Festival in Sanibel, FL.